I just read my blog, and i really sound psycho! on the 20th i said "i think i'm in love with my life". then the very next day i said "please get me out of here!" hmmm

what do we think about this? I think i wasnt being honest with myself. but now i am and you can take me at my word. i honestly do LOVE MY LIFE!!

i thought i would clear that up.
(does it annoy anyone else when i dont capitalize my "i"s?) it annoys me.

1. 5 days till Ben Kweller and still no one to go with
2. 13 days till Illinios and the nervousness is killing me
3. Dee Dee's in town and that makes me happier than anyone knows
4. The Door has to be the coolest place on the planet!
5. Michael's mom called today and woke me up. It made me smile.
6. Fine China is playing and that makes me nostaligic. (prom)
7. it's 2:45 and 62 degrees.
8. I'm gonna dye my hair soon. (i'm thinking an almost blonde color. mom says "go lighter i think it would look nice") we all know mom's know best!
9. My life is more beautiful than I know.
10. Ihop at 1 am can be the best experience.
11. why does demario sains make me laugh so hard!?!?!
12. I'm thinking about letting other people (special people) post here. we'll see what happens
13. I really should think more about school. It feels like I've fallen behind but i dont think i have really. (?)
14. Lara called me yesterday. She's staying in "the cult" for another year. I'm not sure what i think about that. She's happy though.

I like the list thing. it makes my life feel more orderly. Everyone needs some order in their lives.
Until next time.
2:51 and 63 degrees and the sun is shining=life is WONDERFUL!!!!!

"I dont see why i dont see what bothers me
I dont know why i dont wont let me be
I should have listened to myself when i had a doubt
This dose of my own medicine is too big to swallow now

this is the time when i find
what's inside of me
this is the time when i decide
what i believe

If I wanna be real is this world I have to realize
if Im gonna live by the sword
then I'm gonna have to die by the sword

It's easy to be calm when there'ss no crashing tide
It's easy to be quite when it's loud outside
It's easy to be humble when you're glorified
now I'm out here on my own and screaming from inside

this is the time when I find
what's inside of me
this is the time when I decide
what I believe

if I'm wanna be real is this world then I have to realize
if I'm gonna live by the sword
then I'm gonna have to die by the sword

but you stripped me down to basics
you left my heart exposed
there is no pride in times like this
no one said it was easy
and no one said it was fair
but no one is happy when it is....

I need your loving arms to carry me
when I look in the mirror and I dont like what I see
I know you know what I decided to do
so help me follow even when it's not easy to

if I wanna be real is this world then I have to realize
if I'm gonna live by the sword then I'm gonna have to die
if I wanna be real is this world then I have to realize
if I'm gonna live by the sword then I'm gonna have to die
i'm gonna have to die
i'm gonna die....by the... sword."
-Jill Philips

I know i hate when people post song lyrics too but this song is me right now. It is awesome. So read them. it might just change your life like it has mine.

Today was a wonderful day although it's been raining all day. I got up early and babysat. Then i went and worked out. Man, does that make you feel good! I didnt want to go but i forced myself and now i feel like i can conqure anything. hehehe :)

Well it's time to hit the shower and head out to The Door to see all my lovely friends. Tonight will be fun.

please get me out of here!!

I hate this place!! i need out! I need to start my life over. Why do things have to change so quickly. It's been 3 weeks since michael left and my life has fallen apart. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!!??!?
why do i do this to myself. i knew it would happen again. i freaking knew it!!! forget him!! i'm done!!

I hate myself for doing this! why do i place my trust in things?

I need to get my feet back on the ground again. I need to realize that i do have wonderful friends that truly love me for me!! That i am a smart girl that knows what she needs and doesnt need. I have goals for my life that I WILL accomplish and i will be a successful person with a beautiful husband and beautiful kids!!

So many people love me and i have let them all down in a matter of weeks. I cant believe myself!

I feel like a terrible friend, daughter, sister, PERSON!!!!

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God, i need you! I know you see me and all my brokeness and i need you like never before. I want to be the person i was before. How did this happen to me? how did i let you slip away from me so easily when you are the only one that has ever truly loved me? I want you back. I want you to hold me like you used to and speak to me like you used to. I've fallen, but pick me up and put me back together even more perfectly than before. Mold me into the person you want. Wash me clean because i am so dirty. Keep me holy GOD! Show me that all i need is you. even through it all i never stopped thinking about you. I knew you saw me and were disappointed, I loved you even then. I did!! I knew i needed you then because what's a life without a God that loves you more than you will ever know? there isnt one. It leads to death. I wont die here like this! I cant! I know better! I know what love is. My friends and family love me like you do! I dont need to be this person to feel "love". I have love all around me! Thanks for loveing me even when i hate you.
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ok i'm done being this person! tomorrow i'm gonna get up and be who i know I am!!
thanks to all of you who saw me stumble and let me so that i would learn my lesson. I have!
I love you all, more than you will ever know!

what a relief. I wondered if i'd ever get away from me. I have. Its nice to know that you have conquered something that has plauged you for so long. It's gonna be a long journey but i have crossed many mountains and i can sure cross this one!!

I'm going to bed and i'm going to sleep like a baby because God is going to be with me for the first time in a long time.

so much is going on in my life i dont really want to talk about it all.

Things are good. Tomorrow's friday which makes it even better.

I'm ready for Spring Break. only 2 weeks from saturday and i get to go to Illinios for a whole week! it's gonna be super fun.

"it's easy to be humble when you are being glorified" TRUE!!!

I think i'm in love with my life.

today was silly!! I drove freakin 50 miles!!! I had to drive out to Lewisville to volunteer, but i left my stupid papers at home! DANG IT!! but i'm really excited about volunteering there. The lady (Brandi) is really nice, and the place is freakin HUGE!

Michael B. called me tonight and asked me out to dinner. We went and ate at souper salad. it was nice. He makes me feel good. WHY!!! I really shouldnt hang out with him. I really shouldnt do a lot of things i guess. What are ya gonna do!?

I guess i really dont have much to talk about tonight.

Although, talking to Brandi today about all that i do i am starting to realize that i really spread myself thin. I really should stop. Mom told me today i should mentor katie in my free time. I laughed and said "what free time mom!" CRAZY!! just cuz i dont have a "real" job doesnt mean i have a crap load of free time. anyway....

my mind is full of sillyness. I need to get it full of smart things that will help me grow. Like milk! i guess.... :)

i'm ready for this weekend already. Dee Dee is coming home and i'm really excited about that. I miss her when she's gone. Maybe when she's here she'll slap some sense into me and i'll stop what im doing. that would be great!! we'll see!
deed's i love you!!!!

oh yeah...HAPPY BIRTHDAY S-DAWG!!!! I hope your day was wonderful. I sent you an e-card but dee dee told me it was hotmail when really it was yahoo. FOOL! so you didnt get it. someone else did. hehehe maybe i'll send it again. MAYBE IF YOU'RE LUCKY!!! haha

ok that's all i have i think. mabye if i get deep later i'll write again.

Peace!! (seriously we need it)

this weekend was awesome!! i love the kids at the door. we are starting to become like a family.man i hate it when people say that, but it's true. Valentine's day was nice. Lots of cool people. Russell David Hobbes kissed me on the cheek. It was really nice.

I feel like sometimes i hide behind the people at the door to make myself feel more like i want "me" to be. Yeah, i'm starting to hate the person i'm becoming. I go there (the door) and am the person i used to/want to be. I find myself wishing it were friday everyday so that i could be around my real friends.

i am hating collin county more and more. I think because i know that Trinity is fast approaching and i'm stoked (i'm gonna say that more often!) about it. I'm ready to get on with my life. I think it's because i know that i'll meet my husband there and start my life and that makes me really happy.

naomi makes me really happy too. It's nice to have a friend that you see eye to eye with and be completely honest with. Tonight was nice.

i hate trying to examine myself. for me it's hard not to though.

Tomorrow i'm gonna be the person that i know i am. I'm not going to do anything stupid.

my parents bought the plane tickets to Chicago, so it's final. i'm going to visit and see what the college is all about. FINALLY!!
i got the housing application in the mail on friday. I cant believe it's so soon. I dont have any money, but i know it's where i'm supossed to be. So....."Chicago, here i come!!!" hehehehe

ok enough.